I have been thinking of writing the blog since past 3 weeks but for me it's a tough job.Beleive me it took me a lot of thinking before i could arrive at writing down something.Something that will discover my inner self, my feelings, my imaginations.But then there is always a fear.A fear of unfolding yourself, a fear of what others might think of you after reading this blog, a fear of knowing your inside self.
I am sitting in the office right now with not too much of work.That gives me the bandwith required to complete this blog.But i don't know why am i taking so much of time to write.May be because i am not getting where to start with..or may be because it's tough to write your feelings on a piece of paper.Whatever it may be but i have decided to write, write whatever comes in my mind at this point of time.May be the next time i can write a lot better.
I gave it a thought many times so as to who am i? what i am heading for? what are the things that make me happy? There happen to be some moments when i am forced by my inner self to get an answer for all such questions emanating within my own self and i always end up thinking deeper and deeper but couldn't satisfy my own self. Am i just a daedal combination of the tiny cells, a skeleton and what we call human brain or am i something beyond all these. Am i the same to the outside world what i am from inside or is it the outside world that characterises me the way people want to see me. Whatever it is but one thing is sure, your surroundings have a strong impact on how you behave and act. It can, at times, force you to behave you never wanted to be while at others it can create the best out of you. This transition from your true self to your other self is often smooth and unnoticed.
We often run after things which can make us happy. But then the biggest question to me is what are the things that can make me happy? Can anyone be ever happy and contented with the state he/she is? There is a straight no to this question. We always want something which we know that we are never going to get.But then i am forced to think why is it so.? Becaz whatever human mind can think and beleive, he can acheive it. I am perhaps contradicting my own self but that is how i feel at times. Happiness to me is an arbitrary concept. It has more to do with the state of the mind than anything else. If i feel that i am successful then i am, irrespective what others have to say about me. We are always surrounded by people, people of all the kind, people who will appreciate your efforts and be happy along with you in every spheres of your life, then there will be some who will try to pull you down, make you feel miserable and turn every cornner to deter you from finding your true inner self, peace and happiness. And at those times you start measuring your happiness by the amount of money and wealth you have. I want to stay away, keep myself out of all this. I am happy with whatever i have. Your reflection in the society is often what people want you to see as, and we are not characterised by our true selves.
We become conscious about whatever we do and have slightest of the indication that we are trying to be something else than what we are. Keeping one's own real self without getting effected by the forces around you is the measure of how strong you are from inside. It takes a lot of will power and immense strength to drift away easily without getting affected and i want to be that kind of a sailor in my life. I am trying to discover myself each day, may be someday..!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
One of the Best Train Journeys..!
It was on this diwali (Nov 2005) that i was too much excited to go home. Go home after 4 months being in job, at Bangalore. I was so impatient to be at home but on the other side i knew that it's gonna take me 2 days in the train before i could be at home. Well it takes that much of time to be at Jaipur from Bangalore by train. All that i was worried about was how am i gonna spend those 2 days in the train.? It was becaz i had none of my friends with me and it was the longest journey, till now, of my life.!
Once i was into the compartment and on my seat, i was watching people getting inside thinking about what it's going to be for the next 2 days. Finally after half an hour of wait,the train started moving and i was getting closer n closer to my place.! I took out a novel from my bag and started reading it, not even noticing who all were there in my compartment. With every moment i was heading to my homeplace. As time went by, i noticed that we were 4 guys and 1 girl in the same compartment. i got to know that all of us 5 were working in bangalore and 2 of the guys belonged to jaipur, one of them being an Alumni from my college. Sooner or later i realized that the train was running late by 4 hours and we all were busy sharing our bangalore experiences with each other. With the passage of the hour, we were a group of 5 good friends. That one meeting in the train brought us close to each other, close enough to be called as good friends and share our feelings with each other. Time kept no count of itself and we were cracking jokes n having fun. Somewhere deep inside, when i think about how it all happened, i couldn't find any reason for it. It all happened becaz it was supposed to happen or may becaz we all needed each other at that time. Whatever it might be, i do not know, and i don't want to know either. That we are good friends now, is all what matters to me. All that i want is i should be travelling with such friends always and this time the train should be delayed by indefinitely. Beleive me, this is what we all want in our next journey together.
Last Sunday we all met and had a great time together. I was so excited to see all of them again. We cherished all the moments we spent together in the journey. To me, even now, every moment seems to be so fresh, so pleasing.!
Once i was into the compartment and on my seat, i was watching people getting inside thinking about what it's going to be for the next 2 days. Finally after half an hour of wait,the train started moving and i was getting closer n closer to my place.! I took out a novel from my bag and started reading it, not even noticing who all were there in my compartment. With every moment i was heading to my homeplace. As time went by, i noticed that we were 4 guys and 1 girl in the same compartment. i got to know that all of us 5 were working in bangalore and 2 of the guys belonged to jaipur, one of them being an Alumni from my college. Sooner or later i realized that the train was running late by 4 hours and we all were busy sharing our bangalore experiences with each other. With the passage of the hour, we were a group of 5 good friends. That one meeting in the train brought us close to each other, close enough to be called as good friends and share our feelings with each other. Time kept no count of itself and we were cracking jokes n having fun. Somewhere deep inside, when i think about how it all happened, i couldn't find any reason for it. It all happened becaz it was supposed to happen or may becaz we all needed each other at that time. Whatever it might be, i do not know, and i don't want to know either. That we are good friends now, is all what matters to me. All that i want is i should be travelling with such friends always and this time the train should be delayed by indefinitely. Beleive me, this is what we all want in our next journey together.
Last Sunday we all met and had a great time together. I was so excited to see all of them again. We cherished all the moments we spent together in the journey. To me, even now, every moment seems to be so fresh, so pleasing.!
Nothing but the memories remain..!
You asked me to write something but everytime i tried, i was being pushed back by the thought "Why should i"? Isn't it something different from the usual, the way it had been so far. Why should i make myself think and believe that something is going to change, that something which is ticking me inside but i am unable to discover it altogether. The mere thought drives away my energy and leaves me with blind imaginations. And i do not know the authentic reason for such thoughts emanating within me. Rather i should be happy and yes indeed i am. I am happy for you are going to start a new life, a life which everyone dreams of, everyone yearns for.
It had been a great great time, a period of joy, moments of laughter, so much comfort and happiness with everything so much fresh that i can still feel every moment. Only writing all this is giving me a feel that all this has been the past, and probably thats the reason i am able to write it down, write it down by reminiscing everything that i can. And yet it feels just like yesterday. Just look at the intricacies of my mind, it remembers everything afresh and yet makes me believe that all this has elapsed, has been the past. But then i should be thankful, thankful to it for keeping all these feelings as they had ever been, like a morning dew or like an evening satr, so much fresh and untrembled.
Thinking of those small small things which were so much fun, so stupid to laugh at but still filled with moments of delight, makes me feel so much happy, so much that i want to capture each one of these and gulp them down deep inside so that nothing gets ever disappeared and i be happy this happy forever.
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